ANYWHERE, U.S.A.–After yesterday’s terrible accident, the details of which will remain mysteriously vague in this report, observers were surprised to see hundreds of society’s hedonistic deviants spontaneously emerge as local heroes. The scenes of chaos were greatly ameliorated by such visions of mercy as the regional university’s entire Department of Atheism, which immediately organized an ad-hoc counseling center and helped victims get in touch with loved ones, and a group of stoned teenage skateboarders who helped set up a triage and blood donation tent, themselves clamoring to be the first to donate.
Local video game enthusiast Ray Potakis, 24, dropped what he was doing to rush right out and join in the relief efforts. “I was just surfing the Internet for some por…uh, portable water purifiers…for those starving kids in Africa, you know?…when I heard about the tragedy on the radio, and I put some pants on and went to volunteer to help.”
Another of America’s young who suddenly rose to the challenge of greatness when his community needed him was Jordan Jackson, 17, who described his response thusly: “I was chillin’ wit my boys when we saw what was goin’ on out the window. We got in the car, turned up the Tupac, and went straight down there to see what we could do.” Jackson and his friends ended up handing out blankets and water to children, then telling them fairy tales to keep them from going into shock.
A representative of Def Jam Records quickly took credit for the sudden spurt of altruism from Generation Y. “A quarter century of popular hip hop culture has produced millions of lives of carefully disciplined sacrifice, ready to put the needs of family and country first. Our children are better prepared to maturely handle a crisis now than ever. Certainly they’re more impressive than those brats who won World War II.”
Lesbian abortion rights activist Cynthia Locklowski agreed. “All those old, conservative, religious types who think they have a monopoly on practical morality got a big wake up call today. The truth is, while they’ve been cowering in the carnal comfort of their little niche indulgences all these years, we’re the ones who have been keeping the wheels of society turning, providing the atmosphere in which they even can do things like ‘raise literate children’ or ‘save for the future.’ After all, that’s what being a lesbian abortion rights activist is all about: preserving the successful fabric of society.”
Today, the mayor held a press conference and proclaimed a holiday to honor the stoic icons who saved so many lives yesterday. “No longer will society’s liberal miscreants be thought of as divisive, spoiled leeches on the largess of our ancestors’ hard work,” he said. “Every high school dropout and drunken Paris Hilton wannabe in town proved themselves to us yesterday, demonstrating that for all these years they truly have been quietly serving the greater good of the world…very quietly.”
Curiously absent from these relief efforts, though–as of course they are always absent from such emergencies–were law enforcement personnel, clergy, or traditional authority figures of any kind.