I guess what got me thinking about this is all those huge bargain bins of cheap DVD’s at Wal Mart. I see a few hundred just dumped in there and labelled “two for five dollars,” and I have to wonder, was there really that much of a market for Brad Pitt’s pathetic 1992 Roger Rabbit rip-off, Cool World (a movie I remember at all only because of David Bowie’s pretty decent title song) in the first place?
So I decided to try to see if any of the movies I could remember were so bad, so heinously, awfully unpopular, they had never even been released on DVD at all. I mean, if Nuns on the Run can somehow manage to thrive on DVD, then just how sad would it be for some other movie to not even make the cut?
Here are the ones I tried:
Summary: Never saw it, because I try not to watch movies that are obviously terrible, but the commercial I saw once in 1996 left permanent damage on my brain, so I’ll never forget this puerile story of hip police detective Whoopi Goldberg teamed up with…a dinosaur. (Characters in dinosaur costumes were all the rage for a while after the success of Jurassic Park.)
Amazon.com sales rank: 28, 940. Out of 97 items listed for Whoopi Goldberg (she’s made 97 movies?), this one comes in at #38.
Apparently, there’s a thriving subculture that feeds on sassy actresses trading banter with flash-in-the-pan puppets.
Summary: Yet another 80’s movie about a kid and aliens, this one, coming out in 1990, was fairly late getting on board the bandwagon. The “twist” here, however, was that these aliens were…wait for it…clueless! Hilarity ensued.
Amazon sales rank: 14,135. Seriously?
Hmmm. I’ll have to try harder.
Masters of the Universe
Summary: He-Man travels through dimensions to stop Skeletor from either destroying or enslaving the Earth. I forget which.
Amazon.com sales rank: 2,436. Wow, my bad movies are actually getting more popular. Shoot.
OK, OK, so this was a bad call on my part. Clearly, there’s some 80’s nostalgia at work here for a lot of folks.
Man, just how stinkin’ bad does a movie have to be before someone says, “You know, I think the world could live without this one being upgraded and re-released on the latest technology”?
I was thinking about this on Friday afternoon when, suddenly, the local news on TV in the background caught my attention. Apparently, pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan is in some kind of legal trouble.
And the heavens clave in twain, and a chorus of the angelic host sang as the light descended from on high.
No Holds Barred
Summary: In his 1989 film debut, Hulk Hogan steps way out of the ol’ comfort zone to play a pro wrestler who…get this…goes after a bad guy! Well, of course he does. What else would he do? Even as an adolescent, I recall this movie as being full of clichés, hokey dialogue, silly facial gestures, and the kind of jaw-droppingly nonsensical coincidences one expects from cartoons. And not even the good cartoons.
Amazon.com sales rank: N/A
Yes! Victory! Success at long last! Finally, a movie whose total paucity of value has rendered it unworthy of even being released on DVD!
Now, if only I had thought of Cool As Ice first…