Many ward welfare committees have emergency preparedness plans ready to put into effect in case of some kind of disaster–earthquake, drought, house fires, etc. However, few areas of the Church are properly prepared for the imminent scourge of zombies. In order to help our brothers and sisters around the world, the following may be copied or adapted for inclusion in any emergency preparedness plan:
EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS PLAN–ZOMBIE ATTACK
Preparation: In order to be ready to face a sudden onslaught by a cannibalistic army of the undead, the ward welfare committee will:
- Arrange for a series of regular firesides where church members and friends from the community will be invited for training in distinguishing zombies from sloppy or apathetic young people, fortifying doors and windows on short notice, stockpiling materials for those barricades, maintaining and properly using firearms for eliminating zombie aggressors, and practicing putting down unfortunate neighbors who have been bitten.
- WARNING: it is not recommended that anybody be instructed to combat zombies with fire, unless a well-trained professional has access to a flame thrower that can stop a zombie in its tracks. If you set a flesh-eating monster on fire, most of the time all you get is a flesh-eating monster who can now burn your house down, too.
- Hold a series of practice drills where people will be contacted spontaneously and expected to move immediately to their “safe place” with their family: either their own basement or the nearest church building.
- Do not use the mall as your ward’s safe place.
- HINT: the steeples of older churches make excellent nests for snipers to set up during a zombie attack.
- Prepare a list of members with special needs who require immediate assistance in the event of a zombie emergency, as they are likely to be easy targets and quickly become victims. This list may include the elderly, those with disabilities, people who are disinclined to believe in zombies and thus are due for a painful lesson, anyone who has a deeply anti-social personality flaw and is generally disliked by sympathetic protagonist-types, macho alpha males, or the habitually stupid.
Response: As soon as a zombie attack has been confirmed, the ward welfare committee will:
- First, make sure their own family are uninfected and have been properly sheltered.
- Second, divide the list of the ward’s home teachers among themselves and contact each. Home teachers should then contact each of their home teaching families and make sure they are properly in hiding, or if they require any assistance with barricades or ammunition.
- When this doesn’t work because nobody ever answers their phone or has forgotten who they’re supposed to home teach, any welfare committee priesthood holders with military or combat training may form an ad hoc committee and visit ward members in turn, exterminating zombies as possible along the way. Said committee should remain in contact with other leaders at church via cell phone or radio until they are ambushed by a high priest who they didn’t recognize as a zombie because he always looked that way. (Didn’t see that one coming!)
- Plucky roaming patrol group may also include a sassy, slightly unorthodox Relief Society sister who shares repressed feelings for protagonist-type man whose inactive and/or hypocritical spouse may recently have been tragically killed by the zombies and may now establish a fleeting new intimacy in the crucible of a dramatic emergency where their truly heroic natures can mutually shine.
- In the event that the ward welfare committee is decimated by zombies, leadership responsibility shall naturally defer to a goofy, quirky outsider or an intense loner who was often mildly scorned but who will now step up and save the very people who had relegated him to the fringes of the acceptable social order.
- Should the zombie menace succeed in penetrating the ward’s defenses and overwhelming all attempts to repel them, the ward’s resident survivalist nut may detonate the nuclear weapon he’s secretly been stashing away among his long term food storage for just such an emergency.