Hidden Code In Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol Revealed!

I just finished The Lost Symbol.  Rather than analyze or review it (my thoughts would mostly echo these, anyway), I’m inclined to satirize it:

 

Using only letters that are also used in Dan Brown’s new novel, the following secret version can be found.  Clearly, it’s a purposeful conspiracy!

 

Chapter 1

Robert Langdon flexed his toned muscles as he mused passionately about the importance of his deep thoughts.

 

Chapter 2

“That’s it!  I figured out the first riddle, based on this obscure clue.  You see,” said Langdon, “a ‘taco’ is a kind of food used by certain peoples throughout the world for eating.”

“That’s amazing!” said the detective.

“Wow!” said the beautiful woman.

“Only a genius could have come up with that twist!” said the old friend.

“A super-genius!” said the physically abnormal villain.

“I agree,” said Dan Brown.

 

Chapter 3

Suddenly another cliffhanger

 

Chapter 4

turned out to be something quite normal.  What a relief!

 

Chapter 5

“You see,” said Professor Langdon, “the commandment ‘Thou shalt not kill’ is actually an arcane reference—in code, of course—to a secret Babylonian ritual that means, ‘Thou shalt totally kill—all the time—everything, as much as possible.’  It’s a fairly obvious fact to anyone who isn’t a drooling moron and therefore doesn’t believe in every New Age fad out there.”

“Does your massive knowledge also prove that the sky is literally orange?” asked the irritating underclassman.

“Of course!” said Langdon.

“But what about all those Judeo-Christian commandments?”

“Oh, that’s all just a mystical metaphor.”

“For what?”

“You know.  Believing in yourself and being wise and peaceful and stuff.”

“I see.”

 

Chapter 6

Langdon had another one of his trademark instant discoveries—for no apparent reason, he understood the puzzle in a split second, exactly when he needed to!  The gruff but misunderstood law enforcement officer made a dire threat of imminent doom to Langdon…

 

Chapter 7

But it’s OK—the author tricked you five chapters ago and it’s really not a big deal.

 

Chapter 8

The bomb was about to go off!

 

Chapter 9

Langdon got away just in time!

 

Chapter 10

Suddenly, Langdon understood another puzzle perfectly.  It just sort of clicked, you know?  That happens to him a lot.  Some bit of trivia is trotted out and put on display to impress you.  The end.

 

Robert Langdon will return in Dan Brown’s next novel, The Secret Occult Mystery of Winnie the Pooh.

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