Yesterday, the Clark County School District sent out a second letter to parents about the swine flu. The letter reassures Mom and Dad that the school cares about little Junior’s health (this, in response to the controversial revelation that a local student had been infected for a week but the CCSD chose not to release this information to the public).
The letter then offers four items of advice:
- Wash your hands often with soap and water…
- Sneeze or cough into a tissue. Throw the tissue in the trash after use.
- Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth…
- If you are sick, stay home.
Such inane cover-your-butt nannying reminds me of a great seventh season Simpsons episode, “Home Sweet Home-Diddly-Dum-Doodly,” in which a misunderstanding gets the kids taken away by the government and Marge and Homer have to attend a basic parenting class:
Goodman: There are a lot of little tricks to it, things you should have
learned a long time ago. Such as, if you leave milk out, it
can go sour. Put it in the refrigerator, or, failing that, a
cool wet sack.
[much later]
And put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress
that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.
Marge: This is so humiliating.
Homer: [writing furiously] “Garbage in garbage can”…hmm, makes
sense.
If anyone isn’t washing their hands or covering their mouth when they cough, what in the world makes the health office think that a letter will suddenly wake them up? “Say, honeybunch, you know how we’re a couple of gross slobs? Well, this here letter says that we should use a tissue and then throw it away. Sounds strange but, heck, let’s give it a shot!”
On the plus side for the swine flu letter, though, the reverse side was printed in Spanish, so I got to learn how to say “swine flu” should I ever end up in Mexico: “influenza porcina.”
Gently Hew Stone 
no joke.